Jul recently sent me a picture where filename gave an idea of the file itself.

In a way, during certain days I'm a bit sad that there always seems to be a word for a certain mood. Even the unexplainable was given a name : ambivalence. And while I've always loved the adjective ambivalence, I now see it as a coward's way of putting into words what one cannot put into words.

So if you're all perceptive, or sensitive, or imaginative, as hell, I shall be happy to describe to you how Jul was in the picture he sent. To start off, the picture was grainy. Almost as if it were purposely underexposed during processing, like when we used to make those test exposure strips on Kodak paper in the laboratory during photography class. But the colour of the photograph isn't coffee. instead, it's tea with too much water. His head rests against his palm, and his fingers are through his hair, which looks as if it were recently cut. His eyes are too dark in the picture for expression (dark enough for speculation of what's going on inside, but only for speculation), but where he's looking at seems derailing. I cannot figure out if he was looking directly at the camera or if he was vaguely aware that the shot had been taken. Obviously, one waits for a camera shot, but a few seconds before the flash takes off you lose your firm expression for a few milliseconds of looking offguard. (Recovery is a must, if you're really flexible and keen)

Because he was leaning against his hand, his cheek was creased in an upward motion, and that motion looked very slow. He has a slight beard in the picture, obviously hadn't bothered to shave for days. Hadn't bothered or hadn't noticed or hadn't cared to do so (there are plenty of options). One corner of his mouth is tilted upward, as if he'd just had a sarcastic thought, or a secret. He isn't slouching, he's just leaning. Probably against the couch. Or somewhere that's perfect for leaning. Or just as uncomfortable for leaning.

All that jazz. Or you could just give an adjective. But wasn't my description much more palatable for one's imagination?

Dubai Waiting Place Version 3.2
Tuesday, January 1, 2002 : 10:36 p.m.

Smoking a cigarette is one of life's lttle pleasures. The airport of Dubai is definitely the Hongkong version airport of the Middle East. I still have 9 more hours to go before my next flight. In the time in between, I have yet to discover the little nooks and crannies of this brightly-lit place, why I don't know why, but I have to keep my feet moving, my mind occupied, something, something, just to feel... not so numb.

I had almost forgotten for 7 months how it felt to have a hand in yours. Now, I'm reeling from the memory of it, bombarded wiht mental shrapnel of what was beneath my skin, filling my head with watery images, like viewing the ceiling patterns an inch below the bath tub, through the bubble bath. Or from a flourescent-lit waiting lounge in the airport, from an almost-out-of-battery digital camera.

All the while smoking my Lights, bought straight from a Safeway branch in Aqaba. Or was it from the souk? We've smoked too much to remember.

But hey, with me are pictures, ideas, memories, a hilarious Mickey Mouse voice in my head, a 3-month anticipation of planning, as always, always... Mental images. Like exploring an excavation that isn't yet opened to public. Or walking home in 10 degree temperature, drunk and heady. Like a New Year's eve wrapped in a comforter watching train-jumping missionaries attempting the impossible, quietly whispering a happy new year at the strike of 12... All that and many more, plus the promise of wonderful things to achieve in the next 365 days.

As I said, many more. I'm smiling already.

with jul in the time zone
Tuesday, January 1, 2002 : 01:45 p.m.

but in a weird keyboard, french now. thanks jul for everything. i could have been suh a bitch sometimes, but thanks for keepig up with me.

A Bedouin took my picture in his Souvenir Shop!!!
Sunday, December 30, 2001 : 03:39 p.m.

Ah, yes, indeed. How does one react if David the friendly shopkeeper insists on dressing you up in Bedouin outfits and taking your picture? Answer: graciously. I love the fact that everyone in Jordan extends hospitality as easily as they invite you into their homes for tea.

Anyway, New YEar's day is coming fast and would you say that 2002 would be :

A. good
B. better
C. worse
D. we'll see when we get there

D? I agree, 100%!!!

Aqaba, Jordan
Saturday, December 22, 2001 : 01:04 p.m.

I write this from an Internet cafe in Aqaba, Jordan.

Jordan is the friendliest place, cold weather, surreal, mountainous, desertous, very very mystical. I should write more but I'm still shaking my head, trying to wonder where I am. And from my Arabic keyboard I say Inch'Allah to all.

Seeing Jul once again is a nice warm cup of coffee, or a cigarette on a cold day. one never forgets the wonderful things in life. i will never forget.

Wadi Ruminations Petraticious Philantrophists
december 18 2001 : 1.35 am

Endless goddess with the heart of a jealous sky Tears without colour Forever in a coma Breathing without diving Laugh devoid of melody A prechers wife a prostitute The prayer to a devil to a buddha The search for ceaselessness Eyes of ocean floors Sharp lingering reasons Which do not provoke a soul Haunted of the hunted Never explained